Ruined

I am ruined.  At least that is what it feels like. Not only am I ruined, all those I love I have ruined too. Yes, me. I've only been too blind to see it. Too weak to acknowledge it. Too stubborn to stop it.  How do I know?  Past evidence.

This is from a unpublished post over a year ago.  I wrote this referring to the man I deeply love, my husband.  However, my children could attest to this as well.

The Truth that Hurts:

He has always felt that I judge him for his choices, music, movies, writing subjects, etc., etc.  He feels like I've always wanted him to be someone different than he is.  He is hurt that I shame him, try to guilt him, and accuse him that his actions and choices make me question his salvation. (He has prayed for God to change this and other things about him and God has not.)  He feels that I do not and have not loved him unconditionally. That my loving my neighbor as I love myself doesn't extend to him.  He says God's grace is enough to cover a multitude of sins and different interpretations of the scriptures. And...He is right on all counts

The truth about myself stares me in the face.  I know that it is true.  And a year later, nothing about me has changed.  Another fight. Another night in the depths of sharing what has hurt us.  The teary kind with no screaming or yelling, just the bitter truths of all the unmets and undones.

But for the first time ever, I have seen that it is me.  Not me in the, "Oh! It's all my fault." kinda self-pitying schmuck that some want to wallow in.  It's me, really, and the ways that I chase my lover into hiding through insult, criticism, ridicule, contempt, and dishonor.  I complain how he is tuned out from me, from the family.  While it is me who chases him into the protective, loving arms of his facebook family.

How could I have been so blind and so stupid?

One could argue that it is because I am human.  That's a lame excuse at best. I know lots of humans that are much less blind and much less stupid.

My blindness and stupidity originate in my arrogance and my fear.  My belief that I am right usurps all others. And, of course, I am right because I am a Christian. And, the Bible is right and I base what I think is right on the Bible.  Not that what the Bible says is not right, or perhaps even arguable, but the judgment that I pass on anyone who believes differently than me is onerous.  It is a weight that neither they nor I can bear.

It is with sadness that I realize that I often retreat to isolation just so I don't have to disagree with anyone and deal with the emotional weight of judging them.  My thought process - There is only one right way and it's my responsibility to make sure they are on it.  That's called projection.  What's really on my mind - There is only one right way and if I don't do it the right way or think the right way about something, then God will punish me. I don't want to get punished and I don't want others to get punished either.

Punished.  17 years of Reformed theology and I am erroneously still trying to earn God's good graces and avoid his angry outbursts.

Truth. I have not understood how God loves me.  God loves me.  He loves me perfectly and completely.  I cannot make him love me more or less.  I am one with Christ, clothed in his righteousness.  My sins, past, present, and future are covered with Christ's atonement.  I cannot earn more atonement - It is comprehensive and permanent.  

Following the right rules, believing the right things, supporting the right ideas are not going to earn me anything more than what God has already promised.  Right is often open to interpretation, even within the church.  If my right is different from someone else's right, that's okay.  I have to say that again,  That's okay.  It's even okay if my right is wrong.  God still loves me.

He doesn't want me to sin.  He doesn't want others to sin,  Some sins are clear, others murky. What isn't murky, ever? I must love the Lord my God with all my heart, my soul, and my mind; and I must love my neighbor as myself.  When I worry about how right someone is before I love them, I am not really loving them.  I'm not dismissing accountability or promoting license. (Another topic for another day)  However, I am freeing myself from the crippling burden of basing my love and acceptance on my judgment of the choices, presumed motivations, beliefs, and expressions of others.

More truth. I do not have to fear that others' choices will hurt me.  I do not have to fear that I might support the wrong rights.  I do not have to fear that God will punish me for loving others in ways that other Christians might disagree with.  I don't have to fear that I will get it wrong.  Because I will.  We all will.

What am I going to do with my judgment and fear? Lay it down daily at the foot of the cross where Jesus died to forgive me from my sins and showed me what it looks like to love broken people in a broken world.

What is my hope?  My hope is in the very nature and promise of Christ.  I am loved so that I can love. I am accepted so that I can accept. I am forgiven so that I can forgive. I am broken so that I am like everyone else.

Maybe I'm not ruined after all.  Perhaps I'm just in the process of being restored.